The Break I Never Wanted to Take

Hello…you beautifully chaotic souls! I’m here, and you stayed—waiting to see if this was a fluke or fate. Trust me, it wasn’t a fluke. Whether you found me through fate or pure curiosity, I’m grateful you’re still here.

It was impossibly hard to let go of the one thing that had finally brought a spark of light back into my eyes—for the first time in over eight years. Let’s be real: the early phases of motherhood look different for every woman. For me, those first two years felt like autopilot. I didn’t stop to think about what I needed, and honestly, I didn’t care to. I was so deeply in love with the gift I’d been given that I never dared to ask the universe for more.

So when I had to step away to focus on my family, it nearly broke me. It felt like failure—like I had finally started the “thing” I always wanted, only to give up. Saying “no” to writing, to recording, to creating felt like taking a break—but the kind of break your 16-year-old boyfriend asks for right before the school prom. That’s not just a break, it’s a break-up. I knew I needed to let go, to make space for my family and for respite, but I just didn’t know how without letting myself down—without letting you down.

I willingly let go of the one thing that was slowly bringing me back to life, in order to pour more of myself into what truly gives me life. Isn’t that a juxtaposition!?!

How was I able to let go of something as beautiful as this messy space for mamas? I reminded myself why I created this space in the first place: to be an intentional space for me and you. Full stop. Every time I stepped up to the keyboard, I felt like I was forcing out topics and ideas just to make sure I got something out on time. It didn’t matter what that something was as long as it helped keep the momentum. It felt cheap, inauthentic, and quite frankly, it wasn’t fun anymore. The real chaos of life did the thing it does, and it gave me some great content. Simply put, not everything is for public consumption, and I certainly wasn’t ready to share.

So, what’s kept me away so long? Most of you remember from previous episodes that we were in our moving era. I suppose that alone would have been enough. But add in multiple family moves, all the men in my home coming down with pneumonia within two weeks of that move, and a tragic incident as the cherry on top—and you’ve got a recipe for chaos created from chaos. And that’s never good.

But if you think chaos was the end of the story, you’d be wrong... In three weeks, we’ll dive into what came next—the lessons, the mess, and the unexpected moments that changed everything. Trust me, you won’t want to miss it. I can’t thank all of you enough for your generosity, patience, and kindness.

Welcome back to the mess, you beautifully chaotic souls… I’m Heather, and this is Mama Knows Mess.